The Good News
I was once told (ok, more than once, but mostly by the same person) that my blog is too negative. I focus on negative stuff. And it can be very true.

Been thinking about my state of mind in general, lately. The other day while riding to work, a couple of drivers did Very Nice Things that we people who ride bicycles ought to be very appreciative of. Normal stuff, like checking for bikes before opening your car door, but stuff that not everybody does, nonetheless. And I made an effort to try to keep those people in mind as I rode, to keep those kind actions in the background of my thoughts as I finished my ride. Thing is, if those people had done something negative--cut me off, not signalled, or worse, I likely wouldn't have had to make an effort at all to remember them for a while. Sometimes those sorts of actions stay with me all day--and, in fact, I think they build up in me as the days go by. I think, over many years, I have come to think of people as being sort of generally unkind, selfish and the like.

That is, I think I think that sort of subconsciously. Consciously, I think that people are all struggling in a world that they didn't make, to lesser and greater degrees of success (however they may judge success). I think that, even in the best of circumstances--circumstances that I often find myself in--life can be difficult to live. And I try to keep that in mind when somebody doesn't signal and makes a right hand turn right in front of me, cutting me off, or worse, a left hand turn from the opposing direction, almost hitting me, or some such. And I try to think about the times that I'm uncaring and unthinking--the times that I do something bad to others.

But why is it that the kind stuff, the nice stuff, which really can be the norm (most people don't cut me off), doesn't sink into my consciousness as much, doesn't stick out in my mind the way the jerks do? Is it just that things that aren't the norm stick out? Or are there more chemical/biological reasons--my adrenaline does go up when somebody cuts me off or some such, and perhaps adrenaline affects my emotional memory of the incident, so it sticks with me more?

At any rate, because I'm told I'm too negative here sometimes, and because yesterday was a blue day, I thought I'd say: I'm feeling a bit better today. The blue-ness is seeping away. The dark cloud, while it hasn't dissipated completely, looks less ominous today. There, I said it. Maybe I should rename the blog: Unicorns and Rainbows.

Filed under:Biking and Therapy

Flat Tired

I haven't gotten enough sleep this week. Partly it's because I'm trying to 'live life', which includes trying to not let my need to get 8 hours sleep a night dictate so many of my actions. You know, you want to go to bed, but you realize that you've been getting 8 hours sleep a night for weeks now and you suddenly get a flash of 'Dead Poets' Society' that you're "food for worms, lads" and you want to ride your bike down the hill and scare the shit out of the flocks of birds down there, all the while shouting "Carrrrpaaaaaaaay Deeeeeeee-emmmmmmmmmmmm!" and thinking dirty thoughts about your professor (c'mon, "O Captain, my Captain!" should probably be said over said 'captain's' lap, shouldn't it?). Maybe it's just me.

At any rate, that's part of it. But another part of it is just bad luck, getting woken up by various stuff. And part of it is still anxiety, I think, which causes me to have nervous sleep. Working on the anxiety stuff, but it's slow coming, and I may never really rid myself of anxiousness altogether, which, of course, causes me some anxiousness.

I've long known the connections between sleep and moods, especially for me. It's not that a lot of sleep equals happiness, but it is the case that lack of sleep pretty much causes unhappiness. Sleeplessness pretty much has no long-lasting good effects for me. I become listless and angry, in turn. I am easily distracted.

So last night, I thought I had fixed a flat on my bike, and I played some video games with K, and then checked my work on the tire and...sure enough, I patched a hole but I had missed a hole. And with my neato new bike, taking the wheel off is really easy, but taking the tire and tube off of the wheel well is a lot harder--I'm sure there are good reasons, but it doesn't matter at the moment; I have the right tools and some experience, and it's still not easy to do. Hopefully I'll get better, but for now...it's time-consuming and frustrating and it makes me wonder why I bother patching tubes at all and don't just buy a bunch of spares, really, because...well, there I go getting frustrated.

Thing is, I have some new tools, mental tools, to keep me from going totally batshit about it, even though I have a lack of sleep. And some of those tools come just from experience, but some of 'em are coming from therapy, and I'm glad I'm going. Because here's the thing: Even though I had to fix the damn thing again last night at midnight (thereby adding to my lack-of-sleep problem), I got angry, and then pretty much let it go, because I could 'go-meta' and realize why I was angry. And even though I got another flat this morning on the way to work, I understand that my anger/frustration have a lot more to do with my lack of sleep than my lack of ability to properly patch a tube--if I had been 'well-slept', I most likely would have just laughed my ass off about the flat this morning, and recognizing that helps. As it was, I could at least focus on being happy and thankful that I made it most of the way to work before I lost my tube again, that it wasn't pissing rain this morning, and that most likely I'll wait until Saturday to fix the damn tire.




Filed under:
Biking and Therapy

Sleep In, Dammit
This was one of those rainy mornings I came outside with my bike, my rain-gear on (such as it is), and was thankful that it was pouring, because at least when it's pouring it's usually a bit warmer *and* then I don't even pretend that I can try to not get soaked--I just dive right in, so to speak, and enjoy the wetness more.

And dive in I did...riding down the first big hill, rain in my face, water from the road riding up my ass because I haven't yet gotten fender-thingies on my 'new' bike. And, five minutes later I was thouroughally soaked and...it stopped raining, and the sun even sort of came out. And I rode the rest of the way to work wet. Geez. If it's gonna rain at least have the decency to rain the whole time. If I had just slept in a few minutes...

And then, of course, I realized that I forgot to bring a dry 'overshirt' for the office--it's cold in there sometimes and I wear a sweatshirt or something usually--so I end up wearing a hoodie that I have here that doesn't really fit me but keeps me warm and sure would be cute if it fit me at all.